Conventionalism

Sometimes, I find it hard to recognize myself. By this, I don't mean that my face isn't recognizable (although that is sometimes true since I can't believe how old I'm becoming). But, it sometimes seems that my life is. For one, waking up at 6:00AM. Sure, I did this in graduate school when I was also working, but it wasn't everyday. Now, I am extremely irritated if I'm in bed after 12am on any weeknight, which would totally surprise anyone who's known me longer than...2 years. Sleep has become an actual priority. Yes, I realize that it's totally a human need, but it just seems so lame. I miss the nights where I could be out until 2am and still manage to be at work by 8am or 9am. But here I am, 7:00PM on a Tuesday night, and I am snuggled up in my pajamas, drinking tea, blogging, and ignoring invitations to go anywhere beyond a 5-mile radius of my house.

How did I get this way, I wonder? As I was finishing my courses for my Master's degree (read: not the thesis yet, sigh), I kept thinking that it would be awesome to do some women's rights work in India (where I know the culture and speak at least some of the language), or perhaps live in the city and write (not just blogging) and have adventures. Yes, living with Irene in Somerville was awesome, but I did barely any writing at all, I was constantly burned out from my job, and never had enough energy/time to make use of visiting the cool places that Union and Inman Squares had to offer.

Also, so many of my sentences have "we" in it. "We are going to Pennsylvania. We are going to be home around 7pm. We are going to India in December." It's so strange to not say "I" for things, particularly day-to-day events, anymore. It's just strange noticing your vocabulary totally change. It's strange going to a 9-to-5 job and texting things to my husband like, "we need more toilet paper," "what happened to the sponge?" and "I can't wait to just have a weekend where I can be away from people." These are not things that I expected to every come out of my mouth (well, technically text), and now they are things that I frequently say.

And it's not to say that I don't have my share of invitations to go places after work. Working in Cambridge (where it's hard to believe that there's a recession, since there are just SO MANY people walking through the city each day) really allows for the opportunity to go out after work, but do I really want to get home at 10pm on a workday? The commuter rail isn't a good option after around 7:45pm, so it's hard to actually make plans. Very different from living in Somerville, where the drunken walk home was never more than 2 miles. Now, I suppose there are places to drink in Acton, but it seems kind of lame to. Also, who really wants to tip a bartender and pay $6 for a glass of wine when you can get a whole BOTTLE for that price and entertain in the comfort of your own home? At home, you can at least hear the people you are entertaining instead of trying to speak over loud music and losing your voice (terrible for a teacher who has to repeat herself so many times a day!). The last time we (ugh) went to a bar was to celebrate my friend Liena's return to the Peace Corps, after she had come for our wedding in May. And all I wanted to do was find a quiet corner and talk to my friends...which really doesn't make a lot of sense if you're spending 2-3 times as much money to do so, when all you really want to do is spend time with specific people. As my friend who recently announced her pregnancy (!) described, "bars are for people who want to meet people." Totally. I'm open to meeting local, interesting friends, but I feel like a bar wouldn't be the appropriate setting for that.

So why do people end up in such lives? Working to pay bills to pay off their student loans (double ugh), saving for a mortgage (yet another thing to tie you down to the location in which you live), and saving for future children? Although we all have different dreams and aspirations in our teens and early 20s (and even later for the dreamers and those who seem to really avoid conventionalism-- good for them!!), why do so many of us seem to adapt to the 'normal' American lifestyle of working, paying off a house, and having children? Is the biological clock really that strong? Is it social pressure from everyone around us? Or is it simply deciding to spend the rest of your life with someone and then the rest of it just kind of happens? Buying a house since it's a- a good investment if you're financially secure b- foolish to spend money on rent just to increase someone else's equity c- let's face it, moving really sucks ? Having kids because a- you want people to take care of you when you are old b- everyone else is doing it, and their kids are really cute c- oops, birth control fail? Sure, everyone's reasons for wanting the same things is different, but it's curious to realize that the wildest, most adventurous people (not that I'm one of them, but I've had my moments) end up settling down in the sleepy suburbs, going to bed at 10:00PM, appeasing their 2-3 children, going to a job that is mediocre, all to afford the lifestyle of conventionalism?

My friend Ryan's life seems to be the polar opposite of mine. He spends summers on a boat, making enough money to support himself during the school year, spending the rest of the year studying and painting. There is a ton of freedom to that. He doesn't have to work the same soul-sucking job day in and day out, making sure to allocate enough money for rent, loans, food (why can't we just take a pill to stop being hungry?), emergency savings, and possible entertainment. Possible. Isn't life supposed to be about fun and entertainment and not mortgage and rent?

It's just weird that regardless of what our passions are in life, we all (majority, anyway) seem to be in the same hamster-on-a-wheel life to just make ends meet. Maybe this cynicism is coming from the fact that the only thing that I do besides work is the Acton Community Chorus. It's certainly fun, but it also feels very conventional. Maybe I should just get used to being yet another yuppie dressed in business casual clothes, listening to a music player while I walk, avoiding the world around me?